Wow, only a month later and I'm back. I wouldn't say procrastination played a part, but I definitely put this off for awhile. No real reason, just doin' "stuff". Today's entry is definitely in the teenage journal category, so brace yourself. What's today, October some-teenth? Well, my birthday's coming up and in spite of my efforts to turn around what's usually a day of general sucking, that ominous feeling's back...I''m going to Vegas after being invited by a friend but the trip's starting to look a little grim as I've discovered that a large group of friends will be going out in January for the same trip (sans me). Not a great feeling. Not that I have the money to go twice, but still, a little but of a sting to it. Then again I have to be fair in terms of levels of friendship, I suppose. Also, after a great deal of thought, I decided that this would be the year that I threw a little party for myself. It's always interesting to see who your friends really are, not just by the ones who respond, but by the ones who OPEN the invitation. Then there's the question of courtesy, RSVPing is how the hostess knows the amount of party material she needs to have on hand. I know that in the long run it will be fun if the right people come, but there's the aggravation and, frankly, embarrassment of being given the cold shoulder by folks you thought were your friends. I think what bugs me is the creeping thought that they're waiting to respond once they know what else is going on, in case there's something better for them to do than go to my birthday party. This, is why I never do this or make other plans for my birthday. The last time I gave in and agreed to meet people for drinks I paid my own tab and covered the shots.
So aaaall this crap inevitabley gets me to thinking about what kind of a friend I am. Maybe I'm more of a jerk and less of a pal than I think. I don't know, where's the line really? I mean, do I have to go to every event? Kiss everyone's ass, do whatever people want? Is it okay to be a pill once in awhile or is a smile and an open ear mandatory. I have one friend for whom numerous birthday bashes have been thrown and the invitees always show up. Always. This is someone who frequently craps out, is often depressed to the point of being depressing herself, yet is indeed the nicest person alive. Now I'm not the nicest person alive, but I'm not depressing, I'm dependable and I am on the whole a nice person, so I guess I don't quite get it.
The good news is, I'll get over this pretty quickly, will find a way to have fun in Vegas no matter what, and most importantly: WILL REMEMBER NOT TO DO THIS CRAP AGAIN NEXT YEAR. I think the key to the destination birthday (for me) is GOING ALONE.